WHERE THE BOYS AT? 

Some weeks ago, I saw a post by UN Women. It read, “71% of all gender-sensitive measures focus on preventing and/or responding to violence against women and girls”. From high-profile international voices, all the way down to local organisations, this is the dominant narrative. It goes: We have a problem with women experiencing violence. Violence happens to them. Yet rarely, do we see mention of the actors causing the violence, or the systems that bring about the need to ‘prevent and/or respond’ to it. Such posts therefore place women as the centre of the problem – and then organisations throw resources, time and efforts at addressing this women-problem. Yet the violence continues.

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The same discourse is evident in public policy around the world. Take Denmark, for example, which is often celebrated as one of the most ‘gender-equal’ countries in the world. A crude content analysis of the Danish policy landscape regarding gender-based violence reveals that about 85-95% of policy content and programmes focus on girls and women – on shelters, trauma counselling, help hotlines, ‘empowerment’ strategies etc. In contrast, only a fraction of resources go towards rehabilitation programmes for sex offenders.

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While its of course important to have a variety of programmes that support the empowerment of women, and to treat and rehabilitate those who have experienced violence and abuse, this discourse ignores those who perpetrate violence. They – they being predominantly, statistically, men – remain non-actors in this story, with no real role to play, no responsibility. Indeed, statements like the above-quoted leave men out of the equation, with the comfort of knowing that someone else is dealing with it. They fail to acknowledge that ‘violence against women’ is perpetrated largely not by ‘monsters’ (1) or shadowy strangers in dark alleys, but by every day boys and men, people we know – that guy you shared stationery with in class, a male friend you rely on, a friend’s trusted father, a lover. 

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Moreover, men from all strata of society – across class, race, country, age, cultural groups – enact forms of violence against women. The common denominator then, is masculinity, and how we raise boys to become men.  

Speaking to one of my dear guy friends about this issue, he said to me: “I don’t think I’ve ever had an honest, frank conversation about consent with another man”. He reflected that rather, everything he had learnt about consent had come through reading and conversations with women friends. “Maybe if we enabled these kinds of conversations more, we could decrease the 'grey areas' of sexual violence” – the times when a guy is just too pushy, or when things are assumed without explicit consent. 

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Another male friend reflected on how he ‘learnt to be a man’ in school, how certain traits were celebrated: strength, arrogance, persuasiveness, dominance; and others shunned, such a gentleness, intimacy and anything associated with femininity. “You were told ‘you punch like a girl, ‘be tough, don’t cry’, ‘man up’ and ‘don’t be a pussy’ – sentiments which shun emotions and suggest that to be a girl is the worst insult”. As you grow up you’re then fed common sentiments like, ‘she’s just playing hard to get’, implying that even if a girl does not show interest, you should pursue her. While this is pretty much the opposite of consent, it’s a perfectly ‘normal’ sentiment to hear, whether in the supermarket or in a Hollywood blockbuster.  

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Indeed, the way we raise boys and men enables men to perpetrate non-consensual acts against women. But more than that, it dehumanises boys and men. It tells them to turn off basic parts of their humanity – intimacy, sadness, fear, nurturing, caring. Patriarchal norms teach men to be tough, to be the provider, to not show fear or weakness. And not only does this lead to feelings of disempowerment, emasculation, and violence towards others, but it also has very real, negative manifestations for men. For example, skin cancer affects men and women with equal incidence, and yet men are two or three times more likely to die as a result of skin cancer because they don't go to the doctor to get it checked out until it's too late (2). Men are taught to ‘toughen up’, to be risk averse, and to not complain or talk to someone when they have a problem, even if it means waiting too long for a diagnosis. 

This is why for me, the notion ‘feminism is for everyone’ rings so true. If we raised our boys to embrace their emotions, talk about their feelings and fears, and embrace more nurturing, consent-oriented masculinities, we would create safer, healthier, happier and more inclusive societies. And if men across society no longer considered it a possibility to make sexual advances on women without their consent, there would be no need to have ‘empowerment’ programmes to rehabilitate traumatised women. 

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So what if we flipped it the discourse? What if 71% of UN Women’s resources were rather channelled towards re-educating boys and rehabilitating men? Of bringing men into the conversation? What if societies shifted their focus towards changing men’s behaviours and values, rather than encouraging women to change their clothes? What if we started focusing on the root of the problem, rather than merely addressing the symptoms? Where are the boys at? Let’s get them on board, please. 

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References

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1. Baillie, 2010. Rapists are not monsters, they are men. Mail&Guardian Thought Leader. Accessed: https://thoughtleader.co.za/mikebaillie/2010/09/22/rapists-are-not-monsters-they-are-men/

2. CBC, 2017. Boys don’t cry and it might be killing them. Accessed: www.cbc.ca/radio/outintheopen/man-up-1.4205118/boys-don-t-cry-and-it-might-be-killing-them-1.4205848